Be a Mom. Not a Martyr.

A martyr, by definition, is someone who is killed for their faith, religion, or beliefs. They are often held in homage, or revered, but they often get to see the fruits of their labor or see life for the total package. I know some days I feel like this as a mom. That I am killing myself to obtain the perfect life for my family, and when I can't achieve it, I throw the whole thing out the window because it doesn't work.

As moms, we are held to a higher standard. Whether this is intentional or not, it's not attainable at all. We are asked to be care takers, partners, lovers, sisters or daughters (or both), CEOs, and business owners, hard workers, and also carpool drivers. I know that so many women have written on this topic, from Sheryl Sandberg to Anne-Marie Slaughter have written about the struggle to be a mom and be ANYTHING else.

But we strive for it. And we are driven to obtain that standard most of the time.

As a feminist, my mentality is usually, "I got this. I don't need help and don't you dare offer it." I wanted to be able to do it all myself. And in the first year of being a mom, I did. I was that mom that was covered in spit up and always wore yoga pants (luckily my job allowed me to do that). I never woke my husband in the night time for feedings because he has to work a lot, and then I held it against him when he had no idea what had gone on between the hours of 11pm and 6am.

How fair is that? And for what? So I could brag that I did it....or that I could say I didn't need help, that I could manage it all on my own? Why, as mothers, should we be embarrassed when we need to say NO to something. A birthday party, or playdate, work event, or outing. We take it all on, and then wonder why we are frazzled, tired, irritable, and not very happy with life in those first few years of parenthood.

One of my good friends told me when I got pregnant to make sure I was a mom - not a martyr. And I didn't get it at the time. But recently, I have found myself overloaded with tasks and I've felt like the world was caving in. This MANTRA rang true. I didn't have to do it all. I could ask for help, and see where I needed support. I could take the time to be alone, take a shower, and put on makeup (if I wanted). I could also recognize the need of other mamas and make sure I could help them too.

As a "blogger" (I use that term lightly these days) I need to be on social media to help grow my reach, but honestly, it’s not my favorite thing! There are tons of pictures of perfect mamas doing it all. They are darling (and there is nothing wrong with this portrait) but I have to remind myself ALL moms have their moments. I wish we talked more about this with each other and on our various forms of social media. I would love to talk more about the need for balance and what we are doing to help each other achieve it. What could I be doing to let another mama know I need some help, but more importantly, I am here to help HER too.

Here are a few things I do when I look up and recognize I’m being a martyr - not a mom.

1) I make sure to shut down my devices. My phone goes away. My computer turns off. And all forms of TV, Netflix, etc are paused for a later time. I think when I start to feel frazzled it’s partly because I am plugged in to the devices for too long. The best way to reboot is to unplug. I feel this is very true and I have to remember that often.

2) I make sure I am looking at my children when I talk to them. Some of this has to do with “unplugging” but it also has to do with multi-tasking. I fold laundry, and do dishes, and even bath the kids all without looking at them when I”m asking them to do things. When I feel the martyrdom coming on, I make sure I slow down to truly SEE my children and that they know I am speaking to them with love and respect. I find this to be incredibly powerful.

3) I close my eyes. Take deep controlled belly breaths, and repeat the mantra “LOVE MORE.” I tend to beat myself up…a lot...and I have to remember to love myself as much as I love my kids. Some days more than others. I am a work in progress. Perfectly Imperfect. I need to cut myself some slack, ask for help, and know it will be ok. It always is.

When you find yourself drowning in Martyrdom, what do you do? How do you say NO or ask for help? What tricks are up your sleeve when you need to reclaim the balance in your life? Share in the comments below. I’d love to see your ideas.

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