Compassionate Parenting?

On Sunday, our family got up to head to church. We are still relatively new at this as a family, but our kids seem to like it and it's a great end/start to the week. It was one of those days that was just off from the get-go. I didn't sleep well, the puppy had chewed a corner of the sheetrock off, and we were running late even though we were up early. UHG!

As Bubba was getting in the car, he told Erik he had pooped. We were in such a rush Erik said, we will just have to change him at church (yuck!). I hadn't realized that was the case, but off we went. We had miraculously arrived on time (thanks Grandmother for the pedal to the metal mentality) and I got Bubba out of the car. As we walked in, Emma realized he had pooped out the top of the diaper and it was EVERYWHERE - including me and him!

Oh - and I had no change of clothes for him. (of course)

In the past, my reaction would have been to have a meltdown. Maybe curse and grumble at someone (possibly myself) that they had forgotten the extra clothes, or why didn't we change him earlier. But yesterday, I took a deep breath, cleaned him up, and left him in the nursery in his diaper. Yesterday, I was a compassionate parent.

Compassionate parent. What does that even mean? (I'm gonna get there...bare with me)

In January, I found a place that fit our families "spiritual" needs. I was looking for a place that would help me raise small humans who saw the good in the world and who wanted to be good in the world. I was looking for a place that would help me become more balanced, more centered, calmer and mostly more connected. Erik started coming for our family only, but in the end, found that the values and intelligence behind the church was right up his ally.

So we "became" UU's.

Ok, it sound super wu-wu, but we started attending a Uniterian Universalist church in Dallas (dallasuu.org) I started attending first and I feel in love with it during the service. At the beginning of service, the congregation is told a "story" and the children get to talk more about that story in their classes. The children who are old enough to be in the sacturary at the beginning are asked to stand. Then, the reverand speaks directly to them.

They tell the kids they are love for being exactly who they are, they are wanted, and they are wiser. The congregation then sings them out of the sanctuary and to their classrooms.

Whoa!

The first time I witnesses this - I cried. Like, real, big crocodile tears came rolling down my face. A place who loved their children so deeply they spoke directly to them to let them know there were safe. They were loved. And they were special in this place. I knew we had found our "spiritual home."

I have loved the spirit of compassion in our church, and the sense that everyone deserves it, even when it seems they shouldn't. So when they started offering a few classes called "UU Parenting" I thought, hey, what the heck! The class I attended last week had the topic of Compassionate Parenting. And it was fitting for my morning. When I heard this, at first I thought being compassionate to our children, making sure we were treating them with respect and finding way to teach them to be good and loving people in this world. But one of the moms started talking about being compassionate to yourself....and to other parents! That really hit home.

I have a tendency to be very, very hard on myself. I am a perfectionist and have always wanted things to be just as they are "supposed to be." So when I became a parent, I had a hard time when things didn't go the way I wanted, or thought they should. Or when things were harder than I had anticipated them being. I thought I should be better and severely beat up on myself when they didn't go the "right" way. I had no compassion for myself.

Compassionate parenting has everything to do with how you treat your children, how you choose to give them consequences, and how you respond when things don't go the way you want them to. But it is equally about how you treat yourself. What would you tell your kids if they messed up? How would you help them see mistakes happen and you can learn from those mistakes? If someone else said to you what you say to you, how could that make you feel?

One of my favorite videos is from Dove. A group of women are asked to write things down about how they feel about themselves. Anything they want. These journals are then given to actresses and used as dialogue in cafes. It's eye opening as to what these women see. Here is the video.

How does that make you feel? How can we say such hard and hateful things about ourselves when we would never say them to other women....because they are wretched! I am not perfect about this. I have terrible negative self-talk but I have taken steps to help with this...and to make sure that my children see me being kinds to myself. Loving myself. And taking care of myself. That I am compassionate....even to myself.

How are you a compassionate parent? Is it something you struggle with? Are you compassionate to yourself, as well as your children - or your partner? How could you be supported in becoming more compassionate as a person?

These are the questions I ask myself daily! A lot of my support comes from writing, and from you, my readers. The joy I get from you sharing your stories, your joys, and your struggles with me is amazing! I want to create a safe, judgement free and compassionate space for you.

I hope it's working!