How I learned to LOVE MORE

I feel like that's a loaded statement - LOVE MORE. It seems big and scary. It entails loving someone more than you want to, more than they love you. Sometimes more than they deserve. But it's the greatest lesson I've ever learned. And I learned it from my 9 year old stepdaughter.

Before Erik and I got married, I never envisioned my life with a small human in it that wasn't my own. It never crossed my mind that THIS would be how I became a mother. I was fearful, and excited, and angry, and frustrated at times. I had been thrust into motherhood without (what felt like) a lot of choice (which of course it was my choice) or a lot of guidance. I was floundering and hopeless. I now realize that is what motherhood really is. Moments of joy and love and hopelessness all jumbled together.

I don't remember the particular circumstances, but one day I was feeling extra frustrated. Bug was being a 6 year old kid, testing boundaries with a new person in her life, and she was doing a good job. And of course, I took it personally and felt like she didn't love me...or even like me. I think I resigned myself to, "well maybe this i just how it is with a stepdaughter and stepmother." (not my most mature thought process - but a real one none the less)

My mom is the one that offered the phrase to me as I was getting frustrated with helping raise a child who wasn't mine by blood. She reminded me to "LOVE MORE, Erin. You always have the choice to love her more than you she loves you. Or even if she does love you and can't show it…. Love her more anyway."

And that's what I did.

When she was learning a new skill and didn't want my help, I loved more.

When she would rather sit with her dad than me, I loved more.

When she was happier playing with her brother than assisting me with a task, I loved more.

When she wanted her mother, instead of me, I loved more.

As she grew into an inquisitive and precocious tween, I loved more.

And as I did this, I grew as a mother.

I saw her desire for independence.

I saw her need for her father.

I saw her love for her brother.

I saw the comfort she got from her mother.

I saw her mind expand and her heart open.

And through it all, I began to see who she is becoming. By loving more, rather than being sad or disappointed or frustrated, I got to witness her transformation. I loved her for who she was and NOT on the condition that she loved me back.

And in time, Bug has grown to love me, opening her heart to me as a daughter. She has expressed interest in spending time with me, and just me. She has grown into a beautiful girl, expressing love in all the ways she knows how, loving more in everything she does and to the best of her little heart's ability.

Loving more doesn't mean you open your heart and soul to someone who doesn't love you back...it means keeping kind thoughts and openness toward the person. It means knowing they are doing the best they can where they are and with what they have. It means trying to see life from their point of view. It means understanding that it doesn't have to be perfect to be ok.

Loving more gives you more. It lessens anger, sorrow, frustration, and hurt. It gives peace. It gives comfort and ultimately it nourishes growth.

My willingness to LOVE MORE with a child who isn't mine by blood taught me how to be a mom, the

one and only thing I ever really wanted. My willingness to LOVE MORE has shown me what that power can do in other relationships. In relationships where the person didn't seem "deserving" of my love, but I gave it anyways. It has healed wounds, and hearts, and souls. I can't begin to tell you what the power to LOVE MORE will do for you.

Who do you need to LOVE MORE? What relationship could be changed, or improved, or even started by loving more? There is always room to LOVE MORE - ALWAYS!

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